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“Look, I don’t like you. You don’t like me. But we’ve got to make this work for the kids,” - Me, to my bikini, before taking my kids to a pool

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Rebecca Eckler (in her own words: “the first time in months that she’s not wearing sweats) | Photo: Rebecca Eckler (Facebook)

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This week I’m kvetching over the weight I have gained during the last few months, now known as the “COVID-15 weight gain.” Anyone else out there on this journey with me? Anyone?

The influx of messages, like, “Don’t obsess about your COVID weight gain”, or, “Don’t be hard on yourself”, or the hundreds directing me to “Best online workouts!” make me want to kvetch even more.

Yes, thank you, I know that my weight doesn’t define my worth, but I’d rather lose my COVID pounds instead of spending on an entirely new wardrobe!

I know there are much bigger things to kvetch about than weight gain during a pandemic. But here we are…

There are so many posts on social media like, “Here I am, all sweaty! I got up at 6 am for my daily 90-minute run and am now enjoying this healthy smoothie, before I go on a 90-minute bike ride.”

Kvell to you motivated people! (I only hate you a little!)

The stress of the pandemic has made me almost paralyzed. Plus I am still working, so while others kvell about their new toned bodies, I’m asking myself, “Do I really need to shower? How smelly am I?” “Isn’t eating chocolate just as valid a coping mechanism for stress as your workouts?”

I most definitely have not social distanced myself from my refrigerator and junk food. I’ve been so unmotivated (if you find my motivation, send it back!) that often the only exercise I get is walking up the two flights of stairs to my bedroom after a long day behind my computer. And maybe sex.

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I have never, ever, asked my kids’ nanny to make anything special. But earlier this week, I asked her to bake a cake.

There were no birthdays. There was nothing to celebrate. I just wanted cake! She made one that night. The following morning I ate a slice, or three, for breakfast, scrolling through Facebook photos, licking icing straight off my computer screen, like a dog. (By the way, there are studies showing your dog is also gaining COVID pounds, if that makes you feel better.)

As I savoured the delicious COVID cake, I momentarily thought, “Now this is the life! I’m living the dream!”

But then I saw one of my masks, and thought, “You idiot. You’ve been kvetching about how much you gained, and you’re eating cake for breakfast, no less!”

I also wondered: if I wore a mask inside, would it help me to avoid junk food cravings? (It didn’t.) 

Rebecca at the gym (when they were still open) | Photo: Courtesy Rebecca Eckler

Sure, it may be too early for a joke that instead of “flattening” the curve, many of us are “fattening” the curve, but, meh, if I didn’t laugh, I would be a sobbing hot mess, standing naked in front of my full length mirror, grabbing onto my COVID love handles, obsessively thinking,  ‘Why did you do this to yourself?’

Let’s just say all my clothes are on lockdown for now, until I start exercising and dieting.

Like many, I have worn nothing but my daughter’s baggy old Manitou Camp sweats since mid-March, because they are comfortable and a have a drawstring! Woot!  But now summer is here, which means sun dresses, tank tops, shorts, and hopefully invites from people who have pools – please reach out!  

I am terrified to try on anything, let alone a bikini!

I’ve fallen into the wrong category of people – the category of, “I’m too damn lazy to even put on socks, let alone a walk around the block.” while also convincing myself nightly, “You’ve have a hard day. Go forth and eat the entire 10-piece bag of Reese’s Pieces!”

I’m not alone! Thirty-one per cent of Canadians have gained weight during this pandemic.

There have been only three times in my life that I had to diet. And a kvell to you who have lost weight during this pandemic, because I’d rather have a root canal every day for a month than have to go on a diet. Dieting is… awful!

Rebecca Eckler, circa pre-COVID-19 | Photo: Courtesy Rebecca Eckler

The first time I had to diet was 16 years ago, after I gave birth to my daughter. I had gained nearly 60 pounds because she made me crave McDonald’s fries twice a day when I was pregnant. The second time was after my son’s birth. He made me gain almost 70 pounds, as I craved chocolate croissants from Aroma twice a day.  I lost all that baby weight after both births, at exactly six months, following a very strict, definitely not doctor-recommended diet of eating air, and also by exercising, a lot! Looking back, however, I looked skeletal and had obviously over-dieted. (What? Now I’m kvetching about losing too much weight?)

The third time I needed to lose weight was two years ago, when I gained about 15 pounds due to the stress around my divorce, coupled by my upcoming book tour. My ex suddenly looked great, and I inwardly kvetched, the nerve! How dare you get fit after our breakup!

I lost those 15 pounds by working out and going on another diet I created (not doctor recommended). I only ate avocados, boiled eggs, yogurt and blueberries for six weeks. Did I get tired of this? Of course! Did it work? Yes! Will I start doing this again this week? Yes!

In this article, someone with actual credentials says, “We don’t know when the pandemic is going to end, and this uncertainty leads to this chronically activated stress response… Stress deals a double-whammy to the tummy.”

Yes, trained nutritionist, I know. I’m shoving an Oreo cookie into my mouth as I write, while loosening the drawstring on my sweats.

The irony? Never would I ever have thought I’d kvetch about longing for my Jewish mother to kvetch, “You didn’t eat that much. What? You don’t like it? You barely touched anything! Are you sure you ate enough?”

I mean, who knew I’d be kvetching about missing those days?

Rebecca Eckler is the internationally bestselling author of ten books, including Knocked Up, How to Raise a Boyfriend, and Blissfully Blended Bullshit. She is the Executive Editor of SavvyMom.ca

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Happy reading!

Thank you for choosing TheJ.Ca as your source for Canadian Jewish News.

We do news differently!

Our positioning as a Zionist News Media platform sets us apart from the rest. While other Canadian Jewish media are advocating increasingly biased progressive political and social agendas, TheJ.Ca is providing more and more readers with a welcome alternative and an ideological home.

We revealed the incursion of anti-Israel progressive elements such as IfNotNow into our communities. We have exposed the distorted hateful agenda of the “progressive” left political radicals who brought Linda Sarsour to our cities, and we were first to report on many disturbing incidents of Nazi-based hate towards Jews across Canada.

But we can’t do it alone. We need your HELP!

Our ability to thrive and grow in 2020 and beyond depends on the generosity of committed readers and supporters like you.

Monthly support is a great way to help us sustain our operations. We greatly appreciate any contributions you can make to support Jewish Journalism.

We thank you for your ongoing support.

Happy reading!

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